May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely outside of area. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let's have another position in which American Males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted Trump Tower Damascus in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down service."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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